why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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