Plan B is the new Plan A
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
this beer tastes like vomit already
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
