he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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