Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
