im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
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He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
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She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
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