yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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