Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
