i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
