I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize