note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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