How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
