i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
