i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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