We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
