I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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