I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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