Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
