I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
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I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
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I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
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