Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
