I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
