I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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