I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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