I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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