Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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