Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
