nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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