just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You may now shotgun with the bride
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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