the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
