In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
