I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
the liver wants what the liver wants
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
