well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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