Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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