Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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