my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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