Where did you get a picture of my penis
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
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She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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