u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Dick very happy bro
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
