I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You are a genius and a whore.
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