my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
