My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
