She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
we're so committed to being not committed
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
