you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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