Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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