Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
