New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
