You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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