Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
