That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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