you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that