Texts From Last Night

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  (904): View more from Florida

  Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.

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  (904): Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine. http://tfl.nu/7xom
  Replies (50) Good night (4196) Bad night (771)
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.

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  (313): you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones. http://tfl.nu/7zc6
  Replies (3) Good night (4476) Bad night (937)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.

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  (724): i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall. http://tfl.nu/3lmu
  Replies (12) Good night (7188) Bad night (965)
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now

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  (301): please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now http://tfl.nu/10rh
  Replies (58) Good night (1380) Bad night (13286)
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.

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  (928): I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera. http://tfl.nu/yx0c
  Replies (36) Good night (11031) Bad night (1018)
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.

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  (765): Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud. http://tfl.nu/41vp
  Replies (7) Good night (4639) Bad night (815)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out

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  (732): Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out http://tfl.nu/au0t
  Replies (33) Good night (2981) Bad night (6009)
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.

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  (505): While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/0pt9
  Replies (9) Good night (4122) Bad night (1094)
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.

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  (864): its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/4cn9
  Replies (2) Good night (1900) Bad night (834)
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.

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  (507): He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool. http://tfl.nu/651b
  Replies (6) Good night (1279) Bad night (614)
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  (209): View more from California

  I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.

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  (209): I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good. http://tfl.nu/spab
  Replies (1) Good night (1291) Bad night (694)
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...

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  (540): He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward... http://tfl.nu/zj5d
  Replies (17) Good night (736) Bad night (1484)
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs

  (602): View more from Arizona

  My work here is done

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  (520): I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs (602): My work here is done http://tfl.nu/ashb
  Replies (2) Good night (915) Bad night (364)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup

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  (513): Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup http://tfl.nu/jbl9
  Replies (1) Good night (727) Bad night (469)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.

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  (617): ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles. http://tfl.nu/rw8b
  Replies (4) Good night (651) Bad night (371)

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