i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Randomize
