I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?