OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
