I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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