He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
