dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
