Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
